Why you should STOP worrying about how your child acts in public.

We've all been there, standing in the queue at the till, and one (or more) of the kids start to kick off because they're fed up, or they maybe want something and you've said no. (I love how supermarkets put all the bright and beautifully coloured rubbish at tills to ensure they're bought by these weary mums and dads who will give in so their kids don't start, well done supermarkets, well done on your marketing strategies!)

I have been one of these parents, MANY, many times! And on the very odd day, if I'm really exhausted and bummed down by the weight on my shoulders, I will still, give in, just so I can get through the checkout without breaking down into tears and having the poor worker feel mortified by my existence.

Our jobs are not made any easier these days...

Let's be honest, our jobs are not made any easier these days, in fact they're constantly made harder, by, for example, social media, perfect highlight reels, taboo subjects, shops abusing their marketing strategies to make our jobs harder, i.e putting candy, sweets, toys and expensive toy magazines on the bottom shelves, thus our kids being at eye-level to reach them and demand we buy them. Going on a trip to the supermarket is probably one of the most aggravating and annoying trips out you will make as a parent. Simply because kids want EVERYTHING and you are constantly having to say no, resulting in the main bunch of meltdowns, being in the shops.

Tantrums are a reflection of good parenting.

But the thing you don't realise is... tantrums mean you're a good parent!! Wither you like it or not, tantrums on the fundamental level, are because you're doing things right. Tantrums happen for all different reasons, some due to not getting things they want, because they're hungry, because they're tired. But when it comes down to it, the majority of tantrums are because we are trying our best as parents, to not over-indulge the kid, to set boundaries, which obviously is never met with content. Kids hate boundaries, but they're there to protect our kids, to help them grow and they are MAJORLY important for the self-development of each and every one of us.

And guess what? Tantrums are NOT personal!

I used to get so stressed out going out with the kids, worrying if they would "make a scene", if I would be able to handle a tantrum. I laugh about it now, because they're MY kids and of course I'm going to handle their tantrum, that's what we do, as parents, we handle it. The most important thing we need to remember is: THE TANTRUM IS NOT PERSONAL!! Sometimes we don't handle it in the best way, but it's never too late to change, to stop handling things poorly (if we feel it's been handled poorly). Even if we think every decision we've made up until now has maybe not been the best, it's NEVER too late to start and change and shape your kids for the future. It's never going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it. The best thing is, them little kiddies are going nowhere, so you can literally decide on your next approach, to change how to deal with it.

Obviously, I'm meaning not to care about how other people react to the situations you may find yourself in when the kid throws himself down and doesn't want to get up, or when your little one starts screaming until she's blue in the face. (I'm not talking about when your kid is maybe acting poorly in public to the disturbance of other kids, bullying or the likes, because then you should care, you should really, really care!).

Don't worry about the stares, or the comments...

Simply, pat yourself on the back when you deal with a public tantrum, because they can be so stressful, you can feel eyes on you, but just remember you are their mother, you don't ask for anyone else to come in and raise them, you're raising the kids the way you want and unless you're neglecting them, then you're doing a really good job! All we try to do as parents, is our very best, and we don't give our best everyday, how could we?! So don't take on the stares, (I've had them many times), or if someone may pass a comment on your child's behaviour, smile and let it pass over your head. Because if their parent had maybe been nicer or better, they wouldn't be passing misplaced comments on a child's behaviour to someone they don't know anyway!

I used to get extremely flustered, heart racing, unable to think straight and panicky when I was in public and one of the kids started, especially when I was a new mum of two, I didn't have a clue what I was doing and I was so worried about other people judging me. I usually done what was best for the environment I was in, and forgot that what I should be doing is PARENTING, and forgetting about the people around, whom I'm not parenting and whom does not matter in the grand scheme of parenting MY kids.

Meet the tantrum with compassion, and see what happens...

Once I accepted the fact I am NOT perfect, that I will make mistakes and that I AM doing the best I can for my kids at any given moment, I realised that it's fine when the kids throw tantrums, and that it does not reflect my parenting in a bad way, at all!!! Tantrums are 100% normal and I don't know when society made us think we have to punish a child for behaving this way? My word, I still throw tantrums and I'm 27 ;). Another thing to realise is, kids don't know how to regulate emotions, WE are the ones to show them this, and if we react to their tantrums with anger, with volatile emotions - we are showing them that this is the correct way to meet anything negative, and it's not. When our kids are having a rough old time, they show us this by having a meltdown, or having a tantrum. And at this time, we have to be compassionate and settle them back down, hug them, tell them it's ok. Our kids aren't "bad", and they're not acting out because they're "naughty", all they simply want is love, and connection. Even if up until now, we have met every tantrum with a naughty step visit, a time out or a negative response, try the next tantrum, to have a more chilled out approach, to be compassionate toward the reason the child is maybe having this meltdown, it will possibly surprise how much better it is for you. I know when I used to get angry at the tantrums, I would have physical symptoms, I would have short of breath, I would sometimes get stars in my eyes because I would get THAT wound up. When I stopped taking the tantrums so personally, I realised, it was only a form of expression that my kids were experiencing and as long as I kept responding to their tantrums negatively, the longer they would perceive these emotions as negative, and that it would never change or get better.

Tantrums will NEVER stop...

Kids will never stop tantrums, not for as long as the human race is surviving. It is a way of life. But how we respond to their tantrums and meltdowns, really sets them up for later in life and how they will be able to better handle stressful situations and regulate their own emotions.

I always seen others, and wondered where I went wrong?

Back when I had days that I would struggle, that was when I noticed that everyone else really seemed to have it all together, except me. Here I was with these two young children, both of which are going nuts, and I was constantly wondering where I was going wrong. It was usually the older mums, or the mums with more than one kid, mums who were maybe grandparents themselves now, who would flash the judging eyes, who had maybe forgot what it's like to be that new mum who's struggling at times. But I don't forget, and I'll never forget. When I see a mum maybe struggling, I offer words of support, because I've been there. I've felt that anxiety that comes with being a new mum and I've felt that embarrassment that comes with a child related wobbler. I would have loved for someone in my moments of need to offer just a few words of encouragement, to maybe say that I'm doing an ok job, even though at the time it didn't seem like I was, or felt like I was. On occasions, I have had very nice women give me beautiful words of encouragement, something small but it's been enough to get me back to the car from the supermarket and get me through the day without feeling like a failure the way us mums do at times.

We need to teach our kids it's ok to cry!

So to conclude, basically, enjoy the ride... sit back and realise that tantrums are a normal process of growing up, that times where your kids behaviour may be lacking, it maybe just means they're feeling vulnerable or emotional, there could have been a dramatic change recently and they're having trouble re-adjusting. Kids are human beings, with valid emotions, negative or not. No kid is born bad, and there is no such thing, just lack of communication to what needs are not being met. We need to teach our kids it's ok to cry, that it's ok to be angry, and then we need to show them how to deal with them emotions, not to just brush them away or ignore them and brand them "taboo". You are your child's safe space, they come to you with the hard emotions to deal with (how many times has your kid behaved extremely well with other people, come back to you and has had an utter meltdown or screaming match in 2 seconds flat?! Yep, we've all been there...).

Another thing I noticed was that when I stopped worrying about other peoples opinions on my parenting, I actually in turn became a better parent, and my kids had a happier mum, so my family ultimately won and the less care on external sources paid off.

We are good parents, we are trying our best, and it's sad that there isn't enough support out there for people who are struggling. But guess what? We will get by, because that's what we do as parents, we get by. Some days will be harder than others, but at the end of a hard day, give yourself some self-care, give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself out loud "I'm proud of you!", because it's no easy job, and you've just got through another day.

We are all winging it!

For me, I decided I wasn't going to feel that way anymore and it has paid off. Stop worrying about anything anyone has to say about the tiny miniscule moment they get insight to in your family, because that 1% they've just witnessed in the shop, which happened to be a massive meltdown, is not how you are as a parent, so don't let anyone's judgements have you second guessing yourself.

In truth, none of us have a clue what we are doing, we're winging it and all trying to get by, so be kind to others, and ignore the negative.

Books I would recommend on this topic.

If you're maybe struggling like I was, I have a couple of good books I can recommend to you that made all the world of difference in my life. Even if you just want to have a good read at a book, and want to help your abilities to be a better parent... honestly, these two are life savers.

"Calm Parents, Happy kids" Dr Laura Markham

"The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" Philippa Perry

Take Care,
Meghan

What people just don't understand about bullying!

Like many others, I see so much hate and bullying online, I have been subject to it many times. If anyone remembers my publicity stunts such as "Save the Dal" and my Big Brother video, you will be aware of the mass hate and attention it drew. I was bullied, I was threatened and I was shocked by how personal people really got, when all I was really doing was raising awareness in one aspect, and having a laugh in another. I didn't offend anyone, I was not nasty to anyone, but why did I create so much hate?

Well, the world is a nasty place, full of people that have so much entitlement and hatred toward things they don't agree with, and now social media allows us to openly tell others how we feel about them. Another term for this would be "keyboard warrior". Behind the safety of a keypad, they can spew their thoughts without the worry of physical confrontation.

But what I was always extremely aware of, was the fact that the nasty comments I received, had nothing to do with me as a person and absolutely everything to do with whoever it was that was posting them. How they felt totally entitled to try and bring down someone else, doesn't that just scream out that they have issues? Yes it does... It's also called bullying. So whilst yes, it did cause me a great amount of emotional distress back then (which I've used to give me extremely thick skin!), it also made me pity the people who wrote the comments, because I had compassion and could see they were hurting.

The messages were disgusting...

What got me thinking about this certain topic, was seeing recently a woman give her opinion on something online, and the comments she received were absolutely disgusting. Not only was her comment absolutely factually correct, but it was entirely taken out of context by people who maybe didn't watch the video or decided they "didn't agree".

There is such a thing you know, as being able to disagree with someone's opinion or comments online, without being nasty or personal to the other human being. It's called being diplomatic, and so many of us lack this.

How WE choose to respond, says it all about us and NOTHING about the other person...

What we REALLY need to get to grips with, is the fact that how WE choose to respond to someone else, says everything about us, and NOTHING about them. Imagine that! No matter how they're saying something, how angry it may make us, how much we really don't agree with it or whatever issue we may have with it, we make the decision to respond, and how we respond, shows the true nature of who we are.

The hardest thing to do is if someone else makes us angry, or says something negative, is to find compassion and understanding for that person. Trying to understand why someone is saying or doing something, is much harder than just mouthing off back to them. It takes no guts to respond negatively or in a nasty sense to someone, it does in fact take so much effort and respect to have compassion for that person. People aren't born bad, we are all trying to do the best we can.

I have experience.

I'm not someone who's just spouting this off for "views" or "hits", I try to live by this as best I can. And I also have some experience with the matter. I've been in a situation where my brother was taken from me, and I then had to face the person who took his life, it would have been very easy for me to be taken over by emotion and spew my hatred towards him, but I didn't. I'm bigger than that. Before I went to the courts I used to meditate, because loving compassion is NOT easy, especially when we're faced with things that make us emotional and lose control.

For some, this could be a simple comment online, something we don't agree with or it could be much more, like my circumstance. But how we respond, very much says who we are, and nothing about the other person. I came to find this very early on in my life.

I have got angry, and I have responded to things in anger, out of emotion, it's human nature and we all do, and we all will. We snap at the ones we love, but to those we love, we have the chance to apologise and change our ways. With regards to something being posted on social media, typed out or written down, we have the chance to take it back, we have the chance to change our comment, delete it or retype it in a better, more productive way. We don't have to be nasty to those who chose to be nasty to us, because when someone is hurtful towards us, it means they are hurting inside.

Try to have compassion for those who hurt us.

Do not lower yourself to the pain of others, try and compassionately understand where they're coming from. You might never learn or understand, but I always keep a clear mind and vision of why people comment nasty things. It's from a place deep within them, it's why I always try and comment or bring people up when they've been subject of nasty words.

It hurts. Even though we can tell ourselves all we want that it doesn't, it does. And it always will. I'm at a stage where I understand all this but even when I receive nasty messages, it does cause some form of emotional distress. I usually need to meditate it away, take a bath or read a book before I'm ok again. It's not nice for someone to ruin our days, our hours or our minutes (if you're lucky enough to get over it that quick) with their negative mindsets and comments.

We need to change and shape the way we might respond to others, especially when we don't agree. There are best friends of mine that I don't agree with, and I can tell them I don't agree with their point without arguing or falling out with them. We aren't going to agree with everyone in our lives and we don't need to, we are all different for that reason.

Of course there are many people out there who won't hear your argument, who won't hear your opinion and that's because of them, themselves, not you. They're closed-minded to new things or other opinions, but that does NOT make your opinion any less valid, they just choose not to hear it, and oh how distressing and lonely their mind must be if they won't listen to another opinion. They might not agree and that's fine, but there are ways and means of going about things.

When someone is nasty to us, it is a self-reflection of them, not us.

I always feel that when someone responds to more than the argument, when someone gets personal, they lose the argument immediately. To me, once you respond with something downright nasty, degrading, personal or horrible, your point becomes totally invalid and I would no longer engage with that person. If someone has to get personal because they don't agree with your point, they have serious issues and it's no longer about you or the point you're making, its a self-reflection of the fact they hate themselves.

We can disagree, but in a diplomatic fashion. Once you get personal and lose control, you're no longer valid to the discussion. Your point no longer carries any bang for it's buck and quite frankly, people don't need to listen to what you have to say, if it's going to cause emotional distress.

So whilst people like to go onto social media and be really nasty to other people, it say's absolutely NOTHING about the person they're saying it about, and absolutely EVERY-SINGLE-THING with how they view themselves, and who they are as people. So just think, the next time before you post a nasty comment, how it's because you're upset and hurting, and has nothing to do with the person you're going to post it to, or about.

Bullying is not ok, speak out to someone if it's happening to you.

No matter what the bullies say, you have people who love you and who care about you. You are not ugly, fat, useless, worthless, or whatever else they want to say to you, you are amazing and worthy. The fact YOU are being bullied, just shows how amazing you are!! Because people only bully others who they are jealous of, people they are beneath. So if you find yourself being bullied, instead of listening to their harsh words as truths, try and realise what they say to YOU is how they think of THEMSELVES! They are trying to find an outlet for their pain and anger, and have chose you. This does not mean you are weak or pathetic, it is an insight into the fact you are who they wish they were, your kindness and "softness" is not a weakness, but the bullies try and have you think it is. It's not!! Try to have compassion and understanding, really all a bully wants is to be loved, they are in pain themselves. Don't bully back or let the worlds nastiness turn you into a bitter person, use it as strength to understand the world a bit better. The bully is not the bigger or better person, they are weak and scared and they too, need love and compassion.

Take Care,
Meghan

How my Daughters birth saved my life.

So this week marks my daughters 4th birthday, and whilst this I'm mentioning her birthday, this isn't going to be about her, as such. Instead, I am going to be talking about how she saved my life.

I always talk about my daughter and how having her truly saved me, I class her as my "saviour", I actually say that both of my children saved my life in different ways. But my first, ultimately made me a mother, something I never take for granted, and therefore, changed my life more than I could ever have believed.

Lets go back...

Let me take you back, to a girl you wouldn't recognise as me, Meghan O'Neill, or "MegHan" as I was more commonly known as back then, *rolls eyes*.

On social media, I always came across strong and vibrant. I was always speaking on controversial topics and I was never scared to say what I felt or believed, but far from who I was portraying to be on social media, couldn't have been further from the truth. In fact, I not only let on to everyone on social media, but to my friends and further extended family members too.

You see, I was in a terrible relationship. One that was off more than it was on. When we decide who we are going to "partner up with", we don't realise what this actually means. We don't only just add an extra person on for dinner, oh-no! We try to impress them, we want them to love us, and if you were as vulnerable as me, you pathetically start to lose yourself in the hope that this person will realise all your efforts and sacrifices and somehow love you how you love them.
Now I'm not saying he didn't love me, it was quite the opposite actually, we were "infatuated" by each other, couldn't get enough of each other and dearly wanted to be together.

The wrong relationship

But we were just all wrong for each other, at two different life stages. I was only 19 when I met him, very young and even though I was quite "mature" for my age, I had a lot of growing up to do! I also hadn't realised who I was, what my emotions meant or how to deal with life. I wasn't comfortable yet in who I was and I had a massive amount of emotional growth that I still had to go through. It's actually only now, at 27, (8 years later), that I realise who I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to act, what my beliefs are and what I will and won't accept. It's only now, due to having my daughter, that I realise and see my full potential as a woman, and an extremely strong and powerful one at that.

I am the strongest I have ever been. I look back at that young girl and think to myself, I wish I could tell my 19 year old self so many truths about life that I had not one clue about. It makes me laugh, I thought I was so mature at 19, being in love with an older boy made me feel even more established in my right to believe I had life "sorted", ha! How wrong was I :)

I'm not going to delve into my past relationship, simply because I still don't know which way to go about it or what way to talk about it, not because it hurts me, as it doesn't. But more so, how to not make anyone else uncomfortable reading it. Everyone has different opinions on things, but for now, I won't go into it, someday I will, but today is not that day.

4 years ago...

4 years ago I was heavily pregnant, already having gone into premature labour due to stress, I was now full-term and expecting my baby, who I had already fallen deeply in love with. The 4th September I gave birth to my girl, who was absolutely beautiful and totally healthy. We went home the next day.

I knew her life in the beginning wasn't going to be easy, due to many different factors. Mainly due to my partner not being her biological dad, so after 6 weeks we broke up. My newborn was 6 weeks old and we parted ways. It was at this point I realised how strong the birth of my girl had made me.
I'd had a conversation with a friend previous to the birth and she said "I know you love ____, but you are going to love this baby even more", and I remember thinking to myself, "but how can I love anyone more than I love this man?", another "lol" moment when I look back, as the love for your children doesn't come close to ANY other type of love, how naïve I was, how beautifully innocent I was to the true, unconditional love you have for a child. It makes me smile now.

The unconditional love of a child

Already after 6 weeks, I loved this child more than anything the universe would put in my way, even someone I thought I "truly" loved. So this is why, she changed my life. Not only did she show me true love, but she shaped the path on what standards I would allow for myself (and ultimately her) to be treated. I knew I could stay where I was and put up with the bullsh*t I was already dealing with, or I could choose a new path and show my daughter her worth as a woman when she grew up, I chose the latter.

Like all relationships, there were many comings and goings after this, talks of "could we make it work", but it was never to be. I walked away and never looked back, or rather, he left.

One of the last things he said to my face was "you can be anything you want to be, I believe in you." and with tears in his eyes, he turned and walked away. I will never forget it, it meant a lot to me. But it was also very confusing. For 4 years I had listened to this man tell me I would "be nothing", and here he was, telling me I could be "what I wanted"? It didn't make sense. It's only now, 4 years later that I understand.

Overcoming the "you will be nothing" statement.

"It's not our weaknesses that scare us, but our strengths". I had been told for a long time that I would "be nothing", that I was a "nobody", that I would "amount to nothing". It has taken 4 long, hard years for me to overcome those messages. It hasn't been easy and I'm definitely not the same person I was, I am much stronger.

Those messages played profoundly in my head for so long, I truly believed them. But with my daughter being born, I started to see how strong I was and how I was none of the nasty and cruel things that were said to me. Day by day, night by night, I changed. I started to notice changes in me, changes I didn't think possible. Small things at first, and now here I am, writing again about the things that pained me for so long. No longer worried about anyone else's ideas or opinions on what I have to say, as this is MY story.

I lived in a world that was forever in self-doubt. I never shared my opinions and I didn't speak up. I CANNOT BELIEVE how I let myself be treated, how I let someone else's opinion of me really wreck my self-esteem. When I look back now, I don't even recognise that person. The smallest little things, they make me so sad to think back on.

I realised my worth...

And now, the person I have become, the woman I am growing into. I've come to realise my worth, my self-esteem, my pride and my confidence. The woman I was 4 years ago wouldn't have believed these changes possible. Who I am now, she isn't stopping. I set goals for myself, I have high standards and I just downright will not allow anyone into my circle who isn't on the same wavelength or page as me. I don't listen to negativity and I have no room for it in my life anymore. I now realise more than ever, that my opinions are valid and not only that, that they can be the voice for many other people too.

Once you realise your own worth, you will never back down again. Opinions of others do not matter anymore, you feel free. Free of judgement, free of negative opinions and free of being trapped by what others may or may not say. It's a sad world to live in, constantly fearing another's voice or what they may say. When you finally get your "wings" so to speak, you no longer rely on anyone else's opinions or happiness to create your own. You ARE your own author, you ARE your own hero, and you ARE your children's hero (if you have them).

People know what they are doing...

It hasn't been easy, but I've got here, and I'm not stopping now. It's been 4 years of hard graft, but the blood sweat and tears have all been very much worth it. Lessons learned, and if you take anything from this blog, please take this: do NOT let anyone else's words or negative opinions on you shape who you are, I've been there and it's a nasty, lonely place. If someone wants to treat you negatively, that's a self-representation of who they are. NOT you! Leave a relationship without a second glance, leave a friendship without ever picking it up again, remove yourself from the toxic environment with family if you have to. People know what they are doing, and 9 times out of 10, they won't change. Stop making excuses, put yourself first, you are very much worth it and your older self will sincerely thank you, just like I am.

Take Care,
Meghan.

The Dark Side of Social Media

Is Social Media actually creating fake illusions of who we actually are?

My answer? Of course it is! We don't act how we portray ourselves on social media, or at least the majority of us don't, and why would we? We don't want to upload our negatives, our bad days, the less glamorous sides to ourselves, and I'm talking personality wise too.

Yes, there are people out there who are totally honest in who they are on social media, they talk about their bad days and open up about it and for the awareness of mental health this is GREAT! Social media is a powerful and very influential tool, if used correctly... Through the use of social media, many careers have been made, many causes have awareness raised, many people have been helped through the likes of the fundraiser pages etc. This is when social media is amazing and brilliant and connects the world on a level we otherwise wouldn't know about. 

Social Media really has its uses.

Like I've mentioned above, social media really does have an amazing way of connecting the world in a way which we couldn't have imagined many years ago. We can keep up-to-date on people we maybe lost connection with years earlier, maybe a school friend we lost touch with, now with a click of a button we can add them, follow them, subscribe to them and feel totally in touch with their reality. 

It's a great and useful tool for business owners, everything is online now. So this blog is NOT about bashing social media, used the right way it's amazing! 

Platform for bullies

But used the wrong way, by the wrong people... it can become the easiest way to bully and cyber-bully. Everyone is very easily contactable, so years ago your home was a "safe-haven" away from the "bullies", where you were surrounded by the people you love and felt safe. Now, you are contactable even when you are lying in your bed by the many means of contact, SMS, WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram... the list goes on.

So as I've said, in the hands of the wrong person social media can really damage another person. Cyber-bullying is taken very seriously now and there are now new laws on it. (If you bully anyone, you really need to take a long hard look at yourself!)

With that out of the way, lets get down to what I ACTUALLY mean!

So, I was having a discussion with a friend recently and like we have in the past, we have discussed social media and the "presence" people have on it. We have saw it first hand, people who we know personally, putting on this really imaginative and strange front to the world on social media, when we have known them differently. We've always found it very interesting and have discussed it to great lengths, hence the point of this blog post.

So it got us talking, and we noticed the amount of lies being spread online. And by lies I mean, people actually writing lies to their "followers" and pretending (or worse, believing) that what they are saying is correct.

Now most of what you read online HAS to be taken with a pinch of salt, there have been "parody" accounts and social media experiments online to show the fake-ness of some of the profiles we follow. Not only what people say, but how they look. I, myself, have witnessed people stating to be 100% natural in physique when I know them to have had cosmetic or plastic surgery (which I obviously have had myself and don't deny). It creates a false illusion for themselves and everyone around them. Do they believe their lies?

This is not fact, this is only my opinion, which you may or may not agree with. But just ask yourselves the question and the people you follow the question, are they authentic? Are they telling the truth? Social media creates this false sense of reality, we believe we "know" these people, but in my own experience, we really, really don't. We see what they want to post.

Is there a deeper meaning to social media? I believe so, yes. In my own experience and opinion, some of the people with the largest followings on social media are some of the most insecure, nasty, egotistical and narcissistic people I've ever, unfortunately, met. So why do they have this large following? Well, because what they spout to their followers and on their posts sounds really good. They don't come across narcissistic or rude, they manipulate their followers into believing this false sense of inflated ego that every like, follow and comment creates for them. 

But it goes deeper than this...

It really does! Social media has become this illusion created by many people, which they not only use now to inflate their own egos, but they now believe what they put out. I read so many things and I think "wow, what you're saying is so wrong!", but the problem occurs when these people actually believe what they're writing. 

An example I will use would be the likes of a health guru who in real life does nothing healthy, they don't follow what they say, they only upload it to make others buy into their idea of "health" or "fitness/nutrition" that they're trying to sell to them.

Another example would be someone who tells their followers how they've used the negatives in their lives to really overcome their bad days, but in reality they treat everyone around them badly.

I feel like social media has now become a bandage to those who need it most. It's a fake illusion of a reality they've created themselves because they can't stand who they truly are or where their life is. So what they do on social media, really does not correlate across the rest of their lives. Those who are truly damaged inside almost use it as a means of escape, it becomes their drug. They can't get enough.

And it is SO detrimental to those around them. 

How many of us have looked at mums on social media and think bad of ourselves because we don't "look like that" or haven't "bounced back like that" or "couldn't afford that expensive trip"? 

How many of us have looked at fitness influencers, beauty influencers, holistic coaches and thought negative about themselves?

This is exactly what I'm talking about, very few people actually have the "Instagram influencer" lifestyle, its all persona, and I get it. Some people do it for their career, some do it for an ego boost and some do it to fill the hole they have so deeply in their hearts that they won't go to therapy and get the help for.

A place for the weak

Social media has become a place where people with low self esteem can feel credible because they get a few likes on a post or have people follow them and listen to them waffle nonsense. It's become a place of false interactions, false accounts and false information. This makes them feel temporarily better, but it doesn't fix the underlying cause of their unhappiness.

Whilst the rest of us are trying to deal with the real world, we will always have people flaunting lies in our faces, as long as we let it happen. Now, before anyone thinks I'm bashing anyone with low self esteem, I'm really not, I've been there and I've done this exact thing, which is why I'm talking from experience. I've really fed into what people have said online, good and bad about me. It's only now that I'm older that I realise my worth does not lie in likes, comments, follows or whatever else. I'm the only person who truly knows me (like the rest of you, you are the ONLY person who truly knows you! Don't let anyone tell you different either!) I love myself for who I am and no one will tell me different. 

It's a scary environment for us who are raising children, I know I fear of the day my children ask to have social media. My own experiences have been both good and bad, so what way will I react when they are on it? All I know, is that I really don't want to lose my children to the depths of social media. I want them to have human interaction as much as possible, whilst its the way of the world now, and it has good uses, I really don't want them to have so many demons in the real world that they turn to social media for the fake benefit. Which is why I'm trying to create a secure attachment to them so they always know I'm there for them, they don't need the false blanket of reality when they have me.

Scapegoat

As I've said myself, I use writing as a scapegoat, to get everything down in one place and out of my head. But I keep reminding everyone that this is my opinion, you don't need to follow or accept it. With every post, all I aim to do is to get people to question things, ask themselves the same questions I've been asking myself. We will all come up with different ideas, but I like to create food for thought.

Take Care,

Meghan

"Single Parent" Frustration

What do I mean by "single parent"?

If by, "single parent" I mean that I'm not in a relationship with the father of my child, then yes, I am a single parent. As a collective, I don't have much "support". My family live miles away and I've never had much help elsewhere, the downfalls to moving to a new town where you know no one. But it has its pros too... All this in perspective, I don't exactly feel like a "single parent".

You see, to me, a single parent is a female (mostly) who is catering for her children entirely separate and independent from any other person who has parental responsibility for the kid(s). This doesn't mean she doesn't get help from outer sources such as babysitters or her family, (which she SHOULD get and is 100% entitled to!), it mean's that she's doing it without the help of the man who shares the DNA with the beautiful, innocent little kids. (This is not the definition of a single parent, this is MY opinion of what a "single parent" is. In fact, the definition of a single parent is simply: "a person bringing up a child or children without a partner").

Whilst I don't have a "partner", 

I do however, have two children, who don't share the same father. My second child's father couldn't be more in the picture, he helps massively with both children. I am very grateful for all of his help, he does everything he can for me and both my children. From paying for groceries to spending the time and energy with both, he doesn't need to, but he does. To me, he makes my life as a single parent, not exactly that of a single parent at all due to the fact he helps with everything. 

Moving on

So even though I AM the definition of a "single parent", I feel very lucky to have at least one person that is willing to help me with the duties and caring for the two children I am extremely grateful to have. So what is my blog post about? I've said the "frustrations" of single parenting, yet I haven't said one yet? Well here goes...

The "sperm donors" out there.

It makes me sad that I am even writing this, and from my own experience and plenty others too... This isn't about bashing anyone either, I'm just being honest to my own situation. Men out there that are "sperm donors", they create these beautiful little bundles of joy, who don't stay little or unaware. These little, beautiful, innocent new-born babies that don't have a notion what's going on around them, blissfully unaware... They grow up. They become curious kids that ask questions, "why is daddy/dad not around?" "why doesn't he live with us?", for too long I have always blamed myself for the answers to this. I've always found a way around it, a way to navigate away from the actual situation so to not cause any confusion or hurt and create an ulterior reality for the kids, which is in turn, only damaging them more.

I have googled upon googled, researched and studied ways to explain to a child why their dad isn't around, why he chooses not to bother. But the truth is, there is NO way around it, without bashing the other parent you have to explain to your child (age-aware) of the situation. "Some people aren't ready to be a parent", "It's not personal to you, they need to work out things for themselves". The most frustrating part is it ALL FALLS BACK ON YOU! The "sperm donors", as I like to call them, go on about their daily lives as if they don't have a child, and you daren't bring anything up to them, oh no! How dare you! 

I don't get what changes from parent to parent, some parents will go to hell and back for their kid, and some won't even go to work for their kid. The responsibility it seems, falls back on you and solely you, the mom, the one who is doing everything and more, and who usually doesn't even get respect back from the other "parent". 

I try my best...

I really do try my best. I don't just half-bother parenting, yes I have my bad days where I don't enjoy it and days I count down the minutes and seconds to bedtime, that's reality and that's normal. But it's also an indication you're doing it right and are exhausted from it. We often burn ourselves out from parenting and never taking some time for "self-care" (which I will touch on in another blog post). So the days where it feels like bedtime is never going to come and the crying is never going to end, they're normal days and they happen more often than they don't, parenting isn't meant to be easy.

How can it be? We have these miniature actual people that need to be formed by us, they need to learn to regulate their emotions by how we react to situations, they need to learn manners from us, they learn everything from us! (until school takes over of course), but in them oh so important preschool years, we are the be-all and end-all for these little people. How can that be easy? Not to mention the 30 thousand other tasks we have to try and manage, as well as our own "self-care", emotions, hygiene, work, relationships etc (the list goes on and on and on...)

So, what's REALLY frustrating, is when we're trying our absolute hardest to shape these people we made, look after a house, ourselves and everything else, (like I said the list really does go on and on), we have someone else taking a TOTAL backseat on this parenting thing, maybe popping in when they feel like it, when it's suitable for them, when they decide they maybe want to be involved for once, or maybe not popping in at all. 

This is when it feels like parenting gives you a kick in the teeth, you're running about smelling of BO, you haven't showered in a few days, your hair hasn't been washed in a week and you're lacking of food, vitamins, sleep, social interaction from someone other than Mr Tumble, and then you maybe log onto your social media and you see the other parent living their best life. Doing what they want, when they choose, they take for granted that they can go to the toilet in peace, sit down for a poo and not have an audience. 

And what does that do for us? It makes us feel like utter rubbish, we feel jealous, angry, whatever negative emotion comes to mind. How can't you feel that way? Here you are, slaving away, and the other person responsible for the kid is doing their own thing, not giving your kid the time of day, not contacting to see how they are or even acting like their alive. You get no support from them, not mental, certainly not physical and not financial. It hurts. It really, really hurts. And it hurts even more when you look into the eyes of your innocent children who are suffering because someone can't get their act together to be a responsible adult and parent. 

(But don't worry, these negative emotions don't last, they are momentary, because we realise we're not the ones missing out. At the end of the day, these little people are the most amazing accomplishments in our lives and we would NEVER give up being their everything.)

Being a single parent hurts,

But it really is one of the most amazing gifts to ever receive, no matter the negatives, single parents kick ass because they will NEVER let their kids down how another person has. Single parents are among the strongest and bravest people I know, because no matter what, they're there. At 3am when the kids are up being sick, they're there, on the first day of school, they're there. No matter what, single parents truly are the heroes of society and have the biggest backbone known to man.

The old saying "it takes a village to bring up a child", is correct. But you know who does it single handily? Single parents... and they don't even get a thanks for it. They usually get the last word in the other parents mouth, but it's nothing we can't handle, as let's be honest.. we are raising actual, real life PEOPLE here, and we don't have time for your nonsense. 

The good thing though...

I always like to end on a positive, and here it is. Being a single parent does NOTHING to restrict your child, it does NOTHING to their self-esteem, confidence or the person they are.

I love to research everything, to rest-assured I've researched this topic, and it turns out that children who come from single-parent families are no different or "worse off" than those who come from two parent families. In some cases, two parents not being together is better for the family than the two parents together (if the two parents argue, have a volatile relationship etc). 

The facts speak for themselves, what REALLY matters is the relationship between the main caregiver and the child. If that is healthy, don't worry about anything else, they have all they need in you. Do not question yourself. So many people worry and think of themselves as living in a "broken" family, which disgusts me that they'd even think this way. 

It's the 21st century and it's more acceptable for everything,(literally everything) so this way of thinking definitely needs to change, as I've said, the facts speak for themselves. Nothing is "broken" at all, in fact I bet the relationship with your kid is the most special relationship you've ever had, and in the end... "Mother is God in the eyes of a child". So give yourself a pat on the back, you're doing an amazing job...

Take care,

Meghan

Who am I?

It's best I introduce myself to my audience, you'll probably know my name, but I'm almost certain you won't know "me" :)

I'm a mother, I have two beautiful kids. But that's not all I am, I have interests, hobbies, a lot of interesting subjects that I have a passion for and want to express to the world through my writing. One of which, is (you guessed it) writing itself. I have a passion for writing and for as long as I can remember, I've been writing poetry or stories. 

People seem to just "like" what I'm writing, some would say I'm talented at it and some would say my writing inspires them, either way, I appreciate all feedback I get.

Truths

I will write about everything from my own experience, and I have experience in a LOT of different aspects of life. I have went through things one can only imagine, and I will write as truthfully and brutally honest about these events as I can, (sometimes I'm too honest).

Writing for me is a passion, but it is also a therapy. I have been through counselling sessions where talking has helped. I have been to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) where I have focused on anxiety and how to overcome it. I have read books on mindfulness and tried to understand the meaning of the depth of my fears and worries. I have tried to overcome all of my demons, and I am on that journey still to this day (we can only wish to conquer them, but the destination is not the prize, the journey is the important part!!)

Nothing quite helps me like writing. So from someone who has faced many demons and overcome them, find something you enjoy and use it as a scapegoat into a different reality, I know that writing does that for me. With writing I can create any reality, any character, its a form of expression that I thoroughly enjoy.

What I will discuss

If you go back into my other blogs, "FitnessModelGal" or "MegHan: Model to Mum", you will read about the past, read about the things I used to write about. This blog will be different, a lot different. I'm years older and I have a lot of experience under my belt, my views and opinions may change on certain things (as human beings we must evolve, adapt and change, it's crucial to our survival).

I will get into some sticky topics, some would say I like to be "controversial", but I just believe it's healthy. Questioning things is healthy, whether that be a parenting style, religion, nutrition, whatever it may be you are questioning, you are right to ask questions. If we don't ask questions we will never learn, ignorance is the failure to all things. We must educate ourselves to have a better understanding of the world around us. Do not let anyone tell you any different. If you're told something, you CAN ask "why?", no question is a silly question.

I WANT to cause a stir!

I already know I'm going to spark many debates, debates about women's rights, women's health, women empowerment, rape culture. These are things I am going to get my teeth right into and I am going to cause a stir. I WANT to cause a stir. Getting these topics talked about is important!

So before I go off into a spin talking about these topics, I will stop here and I will get into the nitty gritty on a different blog post ;)

Take care,
Meghan