I have been one of these parents, MANY, many times! And on the very odd day, if I'm really exhausted and bummed down by the weight on my shoulders, I will still, give in, just so I can get through the checkout without breaking down into tears and having the poor worker feel mortified by my existence.
Our jobs are not made any easier these days...
Let's be honest, our jobs are not made any easier these days, in fact they're constantly made harder, by, for example, social media, perfect highlight reels, taboo subjects, shops abusing their marketing strategies to make our jobs harder, i.e putting candy, sweets, toys and expensive toy magazines on the bottom shelves, thus our kids being at eye-level to reach them and demand we buy them. Going on a trip to the supermarket is probably one of the most aggravating and annoying trips out you will make as a parent. Simply because kids want EVERYTHING and you are constantly having to say no, resulting in the main bunch of meltdowns, being in the shops.
Tantrums are a reflection of good parenting.
And guess what? Tantrums are NOT personal!
I used to get so stressed out going out with the kids, worrying if they would "make a scene", if I would be able to handle a tantrum. I laugh about it now, because they're MY kids and of course I'm going to handle their tantrum, that's what we do, as parents, we handle it. The most important thing we need to remember is: THE TANTRUM IS NOT PERSONAL!! Sometimes we don't handle it in the best way, but it's never too late to change, to stop handling things poorly (if we feel it's been handled poorly). Even if we think every decision we've made up until now has maybe not been the best, it's NEVER too late to start and change and shape your kids for the future. It's never going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it. The best thing is, them little kiddies are going nowhere, so you can literally decide on your next approach, to change how to deal with it.
Obviously, I'm meaning not to care about how other people react to the situations you may find yourself in when the kid throws himself down and doesn't want to get up, or when your little one starts screaming until she's blue in the face. (I'm not talking about when your kid is maybe acting poorly in public to the disturbance of other kids, bullying or the likes, because then you should care, you should really, really care!).
Don't worry about the stares, or the comments...
Simply, pat yourself on the back when you deal with a public tantrum, because they can be so stressful, you can feel eyes on you, but just remember you are their mother, you don't ask for anyone else to come in and raise them, you're raising the kids the way you want and unless you're neglecting them, then you're doing a really good job! All we try to do as parents, is our very best, and we don't give our best everyday, how could we?! So don't take on the stares, (I've had them many times), or if someone may pass a comment on your child's behaviour, smile and let it pass over your head. Because if their parent had maybe been nicer or better, they wouldn't be passing misplaced comments on a child's behaviour to someone they don't know anyway!
I used to get extremely flustered, heart racing, unable to think straight and panicky when I was in public and one of the kids started, especially when I was a new mum of two, I didn't have a clue what I was doing and I was so worried about other people judging me. I usually done what was best for the environment I was in, and forgot that what I should be doing is PARENTING, and forgetting about the people around, whom I'm not parenting and whom does not matter in the grand scheme of parenting MY kids.
Meet the tantrum with compassion, and see what happens...
Once I accepted the fact I am NOT perfect, that I will make mistakes and that I AM doing the best I can for my kids at any given moment, I realised that it's fine when the kids throw tantrums, and that it does not reflect my parenting in a bad way, at all!!! Tantrums are 100% normal and I don't know when society made us think we have to punish a child for behaving this way? My word, I still throw tantrums and I'm 27 ;). Another thing to realise is, kids don't know how to regulate emotions, WE are the ones to show them this, and if we react to their tantrums with anger, with volatile emotions - we are showing them that this is the correct way to meet anything negative, and it's not. When our kids are having a rough old time, they show us this by having a meltdown, or having a tantrum. And at this time, we have to be compassionate and settle them back down, hug them, tell them it's ok. Our kids aren't "bad", and they're not acting out because they're "naughty", all they simply want is love, and connection. Even if up until now, we have met every tantrum with a naughty step visit, a time out or a negative response, try the next tantrum, to have a more chilled out approach, to be compassionate toward the reason the child is maybe having this meltdown, it will possibly surprise how much better it is for you. I know when I used to get angry at the tantrums, I would have physical symptoms, I would have short of breath, I would sometimes get stars in my eyes because I would get THAT wound up. When I stopped taking the tantrums so personally, I realised, it was only a form of expression that my kids were experiencing and as long as I kept responding to their tantrums negatively, the longer they would perceive these emotions as negative, and that it would never change or get better.
Tantrums will NEVER stop...
Kids will never stop tantrums, not for as long as the human race is surviving. It is a way of life. But how we respond to their tantrums and meltdowns, really sets them up for later in life and how they will be able to better handle stressful situations and regulate their own emotions.
I always seen others, and wondered where I went wrong?
Back when I had days that I would struggle, that was when I noticed that everyone else really seemed to have it all together, except me. Here I was with these two young children, both of which are going nuts, and I was constantly wondering where I was going wrong. It was usually the older mums, or the mums with more than one kid, mums who were maybe grandparents themselves now, who would flash the judging eyes, who had maybe forgot what it's like to be that new mum who's struggling at times. But I don't forget, and I'll never forget. When I see a mum maybe struggling, I offer words of support, because I've been there. I've felt that anxiety that comes with being a new mum and I've felt that embarrassment that comes with a child related wobbler. I would have loved for someone in my moments of need to offer just a few words of encouragement, to maybe say that I'm doing an ok job, even though at the time it didn't seem like I was, or felt like I was. On occasions, I have had very nice women give me beautiful words of encouragement, something small but it's been enough to get me back to the car from the supermarket and get me through the day without feeling like a failure the way us mums do at times.
We need to teach our kids it's ok to cry!
So to conclude, basically, enjoy the ride... sit back and realise that tantrums are a normal process of growing up, that times where your kids behaviour may be lacking, it maybe just means they're feeling vulnerable or emotional, there could have been a dramatic change recently and they're having trouble re-adjusting. Kids are human beings, with valid emotions, negative or not. No kid is born bad, and there is no such thing, just lack of communication to what needs are not being met. We need to teach our kids it's ok to cry, that it's ok to be angry, and then we need to show them how to deal with them emotions, not to just brush them away or ignore them and brand them "taboo". You are your child's safe space, they come to you with the hard emotions to deal with (how many times has your kid behaved extremely well with other people, come back to you and has had an utter meltdown or screaming match in 2 seconds flat?! Yep, we've all been there...).
Another thing I noticed was that when I stopped worrying about other peoples opinions on my parenting, I actually in turn became a better parent, and my kids had a happier mum, so my family ultimately won and the less care on external sources paid off.
We are good parents, we are trying our best, and it's sad that there isn't enough support out there for people who are struggling. But guess what? We will get by, because that's what we do as parents, we get by. Some days will be harder than others, but at the end of a hard day, give yourself some self-care, give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself out loud "I'm proud of you!", because it's no easy job, and you've just got through another day.
We are all winging it!
For me, I decided I wasn't going to feel that way anymore and it has paid off. Stop worrying about anything anyone has to say about the tiny miniscule moment they get insight to in your family, because that 1% they've just witnessed in the shop, which happened to be a massive meltdown, is not how you are as a parent, so don't let anyone's judgements have you second guessing yourself.
In truth, none of us have a clue what we are doing, we're winging it and all trying to get by, so be kind to others, and ignore the negative.
Books I would recommend on this topic.
If you're maybe struggling like I was, I have a couple of good books I can recommend to you that made all the world of difference in my life. Even if you just want to have a good read at a book, and want to help your abilities to be a better parent... honestly, these two are life savers.
"Calm Parents, Happy kids" Dr Laura Markham
"The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" Philippa Perry
Take Care,
Meghan
