How my Daughters birth saved my life.
So this week marks my daughters 4th birthday, and whilst this I'm mentioning her birthday, this isn't going to be about her, as such. Instead, I am going to be talking about how she saved my life.
I always talk about my daughter and how having her truly saved me, I class her as my "saviour", I actually say that both of my children saved my life in different ways. But my first, ultimately made me a mother, something I never take for granted, and therefore, changed my life more than I could ever have believed.
Lets go back...
On social media, I always came across strong and vibrant. I was always speaking on controversial topics and I was never scared to say what I felt or believed, but far from who I was portraying to be on social media, couldn't have been further from the truth. In fact, I not only let on to everyone on social media, but to my friends and further extended family members too.
You see, I was in a terrible relationship. One that was off more than it was on. When we decide who we are going to "partner up with", we don't realise what this actually means. We don't only just add an extra person on for dinner, oh-no! We try to impress them, we want them to love us, and if you were as vulnerable as me, you pathetically start to lose yourself in the hope that this person will realise all your efforts and sacrifices and somehow love you how you love them.
Now I'm not saying he didn't love me, it was quite the opposite actually, we were "infatuated" by each other, couldn't get enough of each other and dearly wanted to be together.
The wrong relationship
But we were just all wrong for each other, at two different life stages. I was only 19 when I met him, very young and even though I was quite "mature" for my age, I had a lot of growing up to do! I also hadn't realised who I was, what my emotions meant or how to deal with life. I wasn't comfortable yet in who I was and I had a massive amount of emotional growth that I still had to go through. It's actually only now, at 27, (8 years later), that I realise who I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to act, what my beliefs are and what I will and won't accept. It's only now, due to having my daughter, that I realise and see my full potential as a woman, and an extremely strong and powerful one at that.
I am the strongest I have ever been. I look back at that young girl and think to myself, I wish I could tell my 19 year old self so many truths about life that I had not one clue about. It makes me laugh, I thought I was so mature at 19, being in love with an older boy made me feel even more established in my right to believe I had life "sorted", ha! How wrong was I :)
I'm not going to delve into my past relationship, simply because I still don't know which way to go about it or what way to talk about it, not because it hurts me, as it doesn't. But more so, how to not make anyone else uncomfortable reading it. Everyone has different opinions on things, but for now, I won't go into it, someday I will, but today is not that day.
4 years ago...
4 years ago I was heavily pregnant, already having gone into premature labour due to stress, I was now full-term and expecting my baby, who I had already fallen deeply in love with. The 4th September I gave birth to my girl, who was absolutely beautiful and totally healthy. We went home the next day.
I knew her life in the beginning wasn't going to be easy, due to many different factors. Mainly due to my partner not being her biological dad, so after 6 weeks we broke up. My newborn was 6 weeks old and we parted ways. It was at this point I realised how strong the birth of my girl had made me.
I'd had a conversation with a friend previous to the birth and she said "I know you love ____, but you are going to love this baby even more", and I remember thinking to myself, "but how can I love anyone more than I love this man?", another "lol" moment when I look back, as the love for your children doesn't come close to ANY other type of love, how naïve I was, how beautifully innocent I was to the true, unconditional love you have for a child. It makes me smile now.
The unconditional love of a child
Already after 6 weeks, I loved this child more than anything the universe would put in my way, even someone I thought I "truly" loved. So this is why, she changed my life. Not only did she show me true love, but she shaped the path on what standards I would allow for myself (and ultimately her) to be treated. I knew I could stay where I was and put up with the bullsh*t I was already dealing with, or I could choose a new path and show my daughter her worth as a woman when she grew up, I chose the latter.
Like all relationships, there were many comings and goings after this, talks of "could we make it work", but it was never to be. I walked away and never looked back, or rather, he left.
One of the last things he said to my face was "you can be anything you want to be, I believe in you." and with tears in his eyes, he turned and walked away. I will never forget it, it meant a lot to me. But it was also very confusing. For 4 years I had listened to this man tell me I would "be nothing", and here he was, telling me I could be "what I wanted"? It didn't make sense. It's only now, 4 years later that I understand.
Overcoming the "you will be nothing" statement.
"It's not our weaknesses that scare us, but our strengths". I had been told for a long time that I would "be nothing", that I was a "nobody", that I would "amount to nothing". It has taken 4 long, hard years for me to overcome those messages. It hasn't been easy and I'm definitely not the same person I was, I am much stronger.
Those messages played profoundly in my head for so long, I truly believed them. But with my daughter being born, I started to see how strong I was and how I was none of the nasty and cruel things that were said to me. Day by day, night by night, I changed. I started to notice changes in me, changes I didn't think possible. Small things at first, and now here I am, writing again about the things that pained me for so long. No longer worried about anyone else's ideas or opinions on what I have to say, as this is MY story.
I lived in a world that was forever in self-doubt. I never shared my opinions and I didn't speak up. I CANNOT BELIEVE how I let myself be treated, how I let someone else's opinion of me really wreck my self-esteem. When I look back now, I don't even recognise that person. The smallest little things, they make me so sad to think back on.
I realised my worth...
And now, the person I have become, the woman I am growing into. I've come to realise my worth, my self-esteem, my pride and my confidence. The woman I was 4 years ago wouldn't have believed these changes possible. Who I am now, she isn't stopping. I set goals for myself, I have high standards and I just downright will not allow anyone into my circle who isn't on the same wavelength or page as me. I don't listen to negativity and I have no room for it in my life anymore. I now realise more than ever, that my opinions are valid and not only that, that they can be the voice for many other people too.
Once you realise your own worth, you will never back down again. Opinions of others do not matter anymore, you feel free. Free of judgement, free of negative opinions and free of being trapped by what others may or may not say. It's a sad world to live in, constantly fearing another's voice or what they may say. When you finally get your "wings" so to speak, you no longer rely on anyone else's opinions or happiness to create your own. You ARE your own author, you ARE your own hero, and you ARE your children's hero (if you have them).
People know what they are doing...
It hasn't been easy, but I've got here, and I'm not stopping now. It's been 4 years of hard graft, but the blood sweat and tears have all been very much worth it. Lessons learned, and if you take anything from this blog, please take this: do NOT let anyone else's words or negative opinions on you shape who you are, I've been there and it's a nasty, lonely place. If someone wants to treat you negatively, that's a self-representation of who they are. NOT you! Leave a relationship without a second glance, leave a friendship without ever picking it up again, remove yourself from the toxic environment with family if you have to. People know what they are doing, and 9 times out of 10, they won't change. Stop making excuses, put yourself first, you are very much worth it and your older self will sincerely thank you, just like I am.
Take Care,
Meghan.
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