The Freight Train

9th March 2016, 21:23

"The Freight Train"

"The pain of losing a loved one? I can only describe it as the worst pain imaginable. Things go through your mind that probably shouldn't:

What were their last thoughts? 

Were they scared? 

Who did they want to say goodbye to? 

Did they cry? 

How did they feel? 

Everything haunts you. 

The pain is physical. It bypasses all emotional level and hits right at the top end of physical pain. I've give birth and it still wasn't as painful as when the pain hits me of losing my brother. I miss him. The pain of missing him is almost as bad as the pain that he's gone. 

Your world revolves around pain. 

You're never free from it. 

It's like a hanging cloud over your head, every single hour of every single day. You do get used to it though, it becomes a big part of who you are. You feel pain so much that you're almost oblivious to it. You find that you don't smile as much as you used to. The world changes. Your outlook becomes different to what you had before. Your person is no longer the same as the carefree one you were before this happened. 

When you cry, you choke. You feel like vomiting. You lose all reflex to breathe, there is no oxygen circulating your body. The sensation catches you in that moment and your world has crashed again.

When the pain strikes, it hits like a freight train. There are no warnings, no signs. You can be standing amongst people in the most unrelated place and something can remind you of that person and there it is. The car crash feeling going on in your stomach, your head, your heart. Your whole body goes numb, you feel like you're going to pass out, like this might be your last breathe. The spine tingling feeling you get when you remember that person will never speak to you again. Speak at all for that matter. Or breathe, their breath is gone. They are in a box in the ground and their body is decaying, their bones are now brittle. 

Death isn't pretty.

Not for the people who are left to deal with the shattered pieces of what was once their heart. The pain of losing a loved one is indescribable, even the words I'm using and the way I'm explaining it doesn't come close. It's such a physical agony I can't explain. The more you think you want that person back, the worse it gets. 

There's guilt, you feel guilty for every single thing you said to them before they passed, that you weren't there when they passed, even if it was always going to be impossible to be there, you still feel guilt.

There's anger.

There's sorrow.

There's relief.
And relief is probably the biggest killer of all. How dare you feel relieved someone is dead? But that's just it. No harm can come to them anymore, relief that they can no longer hurt. Because they've been hurt to the maximum they can. You think of their pain, did they feel pain? Did they wish it to be over sooner than it was?

I wouldn't wish losing someone close on anyone, you live a life tortured by the demons that come with losing a loved one. Especially not due to natural causes. Natural causes can be understood. But when someone is taken, it cannot. The questions. The grief. When that person is gone, memories are left. Memories you revisit and relive, until they no longer feel like memories but now feel like dreams. They don't feel real anymore. You question did the memories even happen because it's been so long since you seen that person it feels totally dreamlike. 

You don't want to get on with your life but you have to. Your children need you, your family needs you. It would be easy to lie down and never want to get back up. You wish to just waste the rest of your days lying in a pit of emptiness and loneliness.

You hate everyone at times. How dare people get on with life? How dare they not realise that 3 years down the line, it's the reason you're randomly sad? It's hard to live with someone who has this pain going on 24/7, it leaves its scars. It's hard to be friends with someone who is emotionally bruised and can feel 10 horrific in-depth emotions in a short space of time. The longer it goes on the easier they are to manage, but at the start you are a ticking time bomb; how dare someone look at you wrong? 

The immediate reactions to losing a loved one becomes an estranged feeling as time goes on. They fade out, and the real agonising pain sets in. A pain that will be with you for the rest of your life. 

It doesn't get easier. It never gets better.

The sharpness of emotions are like daggers in your heart that thaw out into raw scars that will never heal. That are reopened every time you are hit by that freight train.

It's something I couldn't image, now it's a reality for my family and I. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I wish it never had to happen to another family again, but the sad reality is that somewhere, right now, another person will be only starting off the journey I've already been on. They will have their loved one taken from them, and for what? 

You cannot end suffering, suffering is a part of life and always will be... But I wish we could."

______________________________________

This is something I wrote when I was in the throws of what I like to call the "Freight Train" feeling. It's that all encompassing feeling of pain, grief, terror and dread that comes over you when you feel the sorrow of the loss of a loved one. I can't describe it, but I did try to give an insight into how this pain felt for me.

I am now 4 years older than when I first wrote this piece, and I wouldn't change much about it. Obvious grammar in parts but I wanted to keep it as authentic as I could to the original piece as I wanted you all to get a feel of where I was when I decided to write about it. 

The pain hasn't changed much, the Freight Train still visits, only now it's been 7 years and I can mask it better than you would believe. The pain is still there and will never leave, but the positive to take from it is growth in ways I only knew unimaginable. I am a totally different person due to the grief I have encountered and since then I have lost more loved ones, a couple very close. Grief is complex and grief changes for everyone. 

One thing I would like to say is that grief is unable to be measured. You cannot judge grief, you cannot compare grief. Grief is grief and that looks entirely different from one person to the next, so always try to have a compassionate and open mind when handling grief or dealing with someone who is experiencing grief. It is confusing and there are no right or wrong ways to go about it.

Thanks for reading, Meghan x