"Single Parent" Frustration

What do I mean by "single parent"?

If by, "single parent" I mean that I'm not in a relationship with the father of my child, then yes, I am a single parent. As a collective, I don't have much "support". My family live miles away and I've never had much help elsewhere, the downfalls to moving to a new town where you know no one. But it has its pros too... All this in perspective, I don't exactly feel like a "single parent".

You see, to me, a single parent is a female (mostly) who is catering for her children entirely separate and independent from any other person who has parental responsibility for the kid(s). This doesn't mean she doesn't get help from outer sources such as babysitters or her family, (which she SHOULD get and is 100% entitled to!), it mean's that she's doing it without the help of the man who shares the DNA with the beautiful, innocent little kids. (This is not the definition of a single parent, this is MY opinion of what a "single parent" is. In fact, the definition of a single parent is simply: "a person bringing up a child or children without a partner").

Whilst I don't have a "partner", 

I do however, have two children, who don't share the same father. My second child's father couldn't be more in the picture, he helps massively with both children. I am very grateful for all of his help, he does everything he can for me and both my children. From paying for groceries to spending the time and energy with both, he doesn't need to, but he does. To me, he makes my life as a single parent, not exactly that of a single parent at all due to the fact he helps with everything. 

Moving on

So even though I AM the definition of a "single parent", I feel very lucky to have at least one person that is willing to help me with the duties and caring for the two children I am extremely grateful to have. So what is my blog post about? I've said the "frustrations" of single parenting, yet I haven't said one yet? Well here goes...

The "sperm donors" out there.

It makes me sad that I am even writing this, and from my own experience and plenty others too... This isn't about bashing anyone either, I'm just being honest to my own situation. Men out there that are "sperm donors", they create these beautiful little bundles of joy, who don't stay little or unaware. These little, beautiful, innocent new-born babies that don't have a notion what's going on around them, blissfully unaware... They grow up. They become curious kids that ask questions, "why is daddy/dad not around?" "why doesn't he live with us?", for too long I have always blamed myself for the answers to this. I've always found a way around it, a way to navigate away from the actual situation so to not cause any confusion or hurt and create an ulterior reality for the kids, which is in turn, only damaging them more.

I have googled upon googled, researched and studied ways to explain to a child why their dad isn't around, why he chooses not to bother. But the truth is, there is NO way around it, without bashing the other parent you have to explain to your child (age-aware) of the situation. "Some people aren't ready to be a parent", "It's not personal to you, they need to work out things for themselves". The most frustrating part is it ALL FALLS BACK ON YOU! The "sperm donors", as I like to call them, go on about their daily lives as if they don't have a child, and you daren't bring anything up to them, oh no! How dare you! 

I don't get what changes from parent to parent, some parents will go to hell and back for their kid, and some won't even go to work for their kid. The responsibility it seems, falls back on you and solely you, the mom, the one who is doing everything and more, and who usually doesn't even get respect back from the other "parent". 

I try my best...

I really do try my best. I don't just half-bother parenting, yes I have my bad days where I don't enjoy it and days I count down the minutes and seconds to bedtime, that's reality and that's normal. But it's also an indication you're doing it right and are exhausted from it. We often burn ourselves out from parenting and never taking some time for "self-care" (which I will touch on in another blog post). So the days where it feels like bedtime is never going to come and the crying is never going to end, they're normal days and they happen more often than they don't, parenting isn't meant to be easy.

How can it be? We have these miniature actual people that need to be formed by us, they need to learn to regulate their emotions by how we react to situations, they need to learn manners from us, they learn everything from us! (until school takes over of course), but in them oh so important preschool years, we are the be-all and end-all for these little people. How can that be easy? Not to mention the 30 thousand other tasks we have to try and manage, as well as our own "self-care", emotions, hygiene, work, relationships etc (the list goes on and on and on...)

So, what's REALLY frustrating, is when we're trying our absolute hardest to shape these people we made, look after a house, ourselves and everything else, (like I said the list really does go on and on), we have someone else taking a TOTAL backseat on this parenting thing, maybe popping in when they feel like it, when it's suitable for them, when they decide they maybe want to be involved for once, or maybe not popping in at all. 

This is when it feels like parenting gives you a kick in the teeth, you're running about smelling of BO, you haven't showered in a few days, your hair hasn't been washed in a week and you're lacking of food, vitamins, sleep, social interaction from someone other than Mr Tumble, and then you maybe log onto your social media and you see the other parent living their best life. Doing what they want, when they choose, they take for granted that they can go to the toilet in peace, sit down for a poo and not have an audience. 

And what does that do for us? It makes us feel like utter rubbish, we feel jealous, angry, whatever negative emotion comes to mind. How can't you feel that way? Here you are, slaving away, and the other person responsible for the kid is doing their own thing, not giving your kid the time of day, not contacting to see how they are or even acting like their alive. You get no support from them, not mental, certainly not physical and not financial. It hurts. It really, really hurts. And it hurts even more when you look into the eyes of your innocent children who are suffering because someone can't get their act together to be a responsible adult and parent. 

(But don't worry, these negative emotions don't last, they are momentary, because we realise we're not the ones missing out. At the end of the day, these little people are the most amazing accomplishments in our lives and we would NEVER give up being their everything.)

Being a single parent hurts,

But it really is one of the most amazing gifts to ever receive, no matter the negatives, single parents kick ass because they will NEVER let their kids down how another person has. Single parents are among the strongest and bravest people I know, because no matter what, they're there. At 3am when the kids are up being sick, they're there, on the first day of school, they're there. No matter what, single parents truly are the heroes of society and have the biggest backbone known to man.

The old saying "it takes a village to bring up a child", is correct. But you know who does it single handily? Single parents... and they don't even get a thanks for it. They usually get the last word in the other parents mouth, but it's nothing we can't handle, as let's be honest.. we are raising actual, real life PEOPLE here, and we don't have time for your nonsense. 

The good thing though...

I always like to end on a positive, and here it is. Being a single parent does NOTHING to restrict your child, it does NOTHING to their self-esteem, confidence or the person they are.

I love to research everything, to rest-assured I've researched this topic, and it turns out that children who come from single-parent families are no different or "worse off" than those who come from two parent families. In some cases, two parents not being together is better for the family than the two parents together (if the two parents argue, have a volatile relationship etc). 

The facts speak for themselves, what REALLY matters is the relationship between the main caregiver and the child. If that is healthy, don't worry about anything else, they have all they need in you. Do not question yourself. So many people worry and think of themselves as living in a "broken" family, which disgusts me that they'd even think this way. 

It's the 21st century and it's more acceptable for everything,(literally everything) so this way of thinking definitely needs to change, as I've said, the facts speak for themselves. Nothing is "broken" at all, in fact I bet the relationship with your kid is the most special relationship you've ever had, and in the end... "Mother is God in the eyes of a child". So give yourself a pat on the back, you're doing an amazing job...

Take care,

Meghan