What people just don't understand about bullying!

Like many others, I see so much hate and bullying online, I have been subject to it many times. If anyone remembers my publicity stunts such as "Save the Dal" and my Big Brother video, you will be aware of the mass hate and attention it drew. I was bullied, I was threatened and I was shocked by how personal people really got, when all I was really doing was raising awareness in one aspect, and having a laugh in another. I didn't offend anyone, I was not nasty to anyone, but why did I create so much hate?

Well, the world is a nasty place, full of people that have so much entitlement and hatred toward things they don't agree with, and now social media allows us to openly tell others how we feel about them. Another term for this would be "keyboard warrior". Behind the safety of a keypad, they can spew their thoughts without the worry of physical confrontation.

But what I was always extremely aware of, was the fact that the nasty comments I received, had nothing to do with me as a person and absolutely everything to do with whoever it was that was posting them. How they felt totally entitled to try and bring down someone else, doesn't that just scream out that they have issues? Yes it does... It's also called bullying. So whilst yes, it did cause me a great amount of emotional distress back then (which I've used to give me extremely thick skin!), it also made me pity the people who wrote the comments, because I had compassion and could see they were hurting.

The messages were disgusting...

What got me thinking about this certain topic, was seeing recently a woman give her opinion on something online, and the comments she received were absolutely disgusting. Not only was her comment absolutely factually correct, but it was entirely taken out of context by people who maybe didn't watch the video or decided they "didn't agree".

There is such a thing you know, as being able to disagree with someone's opinion or comments online, without being nasty or personal to the other human being. It's called being diplomatic, and so many of us lack this.

How WE choose to respond, says it all about us and NOTHING about the other person...

What we REALLY need to get to grips with, is the fact that how WE choose to respond to someone else, says everything about us, and NOTHING about them. Imagine that! No matter how they're saying something, how angry it may make us, how much we really don't agree with it or whatever issue we may have with it, we make the decision to respond, and how we respond, shows the true nature of who we are.

The hardest thing to do is if someone else makes us angry, or says something negative, is to find compassion and understanding for that person. Trying to understand why someone is saying or doing something, is much harder than just mouthing off back to them. It takes no guts to respond negatively or in a nasty sense to someone, it does in fact take so much effort and respect to have compassion for that person. People aren't born bad, we are all trying to do the best we can.

I have experience.

I'm not someone who's just spouting this off for "views" or "hits", I try to live by this as best I can. And I also have some experience with the matter. I've been in a situation where my brother was taken from me, and I then had to face the person who took his life, it would have been very easy for me to be taken over by emotion and spew my hatred towards him, but I didn't. I'm bigger than that. Before I went to the courts I used to meditate, because loving compassion is NOT easy, especially when we're faced with things that make us emotional and lose control.

For some, this could be a simple comment online, something we don't agree with or it could be much more, like my circumstance. But how we respond, very much says who we are, and nothing about the other person. I came to find this very early on in my life.

I have got angry, and I have responded to things in anger, out of emotion, it's human nature and we all do, and we all will. We snap at the ones we love, but to those we love, we have the chance to apologise and change our ways. With regards to something being posted on social media, typed out or written down, we have the chance to take it back, we have the chance to change our comment, delete it or retype it in a better, more productive way. We don't have to be nasty to those who chose to be nasty to us, because when someone is hurtful towards us, it means they are hurting inside.

Try to have compassion for those who hurt us.

Do not lower yourself to the pain of others, try and compassionately understand where they're coming from. You might never learn or understand, but I always keep a clear mind and vision of why people comment nasty things. It's from a place deep within them, it's why I always try and comment or bring people up when they've been subject of nasty words.

It hurts. Even though we can tell ourselves all we want that it doesn't, it does. And it always will. I'm at a stage where I understand all this but even when I receive nasty messages, it does cause some form of emotional distress. I usually need to meditate it away, take a bath or read a book before I'm ok again. It's not nice for someone to ruin our days, our hours or our minutes (if you're lucky enough to get over it that quick) with their negative mindsets and comments.

We need to change and shape the way we might respond to others, especially when we don't agree. There are best friends of mine that I don't agree with, and I can tell them I don't agree with their point without arguing or falling out with them. We aren't going to agree with everyone in our lives and we don't need to, we are all different for that reason.

Of course there are many people out there who won't hear your argument, who won't hear your opinion and that's because of them, themselves, not you. They're closed-minded to new things or other opinions, but that does NOT make your opinion any less valid, they just choose not to hear it, and oh how distressing and lonely their mind must be if they won't listen to another opinion. They might not agree and that's fine, but there are ways and means of going about things.

When someone is nasty to us, it is a self-reflection of them, not us.

I always feel that when someone responds to more than the argument, when someone gets personal, they lose the argument immediately. To me, once you respond with something downright nasty, degrading, personal or horrible, your point becomes totally invalid and I would no longer engage with that person. If someone has to get personal because they don't agree with your point, they have serious issues and it's no longer about you or the point you're making, its a self-reflection of the fact they hate themselves.

We can disagree, but in a diplomatic fashion. Once you get personal and lose control, you're no longer valid to the discussion. Your point no longer carries any bang for it's buck and quite frankly, people don't need to listen to what you have to say, if it's going to cause emotional distress.

So whilst people like to go onto social media and be really nasty to other people, it say's absolutely NOTHING about the person they're saying it about, and absolutely EVERY-SINGLE-THING with how they view themselves, and who they are as people. So just think, the next time before you post a nasty comment, how it's because you're upset and hurting, and has nothing to do with the person you're going to post it to, or about.

Bullying is not ok, speak out to someone if it's happening to you.

No matter what the bullies say, you have people who love you and who care about you. You are not ugly, fat, useless, worthless, or whatever else they want to say to you, you are amazing and worthy. The fact YOU are being bullied, just shows how amazing you are!! Because people only bully others who they are jealous of, people they are beneath. So if you find yourself being bullied, instead of listening to their harsh words as truths, try and realise what they say to YOU is how they think of THEMSELVES! They are trying to find an outlet for their pain and anger, and have chose you. This does not mean you are weak or pathetic, it is an insight into the fact you are who they wish they were, your kindness and "softness" is not a weakness, but the bullies try and have you think it is. It's not!! Try to have compassion and understanding, really all a bully wants is to be loved, they are in pain themselves. Don't bully back or let the worlds nastiness turn you into a bitter person, use it as strength to understand the world a bit better. The bully is not the bigger or better person, they are weak and scared and they too, need love and compassion.

Take Care,
Meghan

How my Daughters birth saved my life.

So this week marks my daughters 4th birthday, and whilst this I'm mentioning her birthday, this isn't going to be about her, as such. Instead, I am going to be talking about how she saved my life.

I always talk about my daughter and how having her truly saved me, I class her as my "saviour", I actually say that both of my children saved my life in different ways. But my first, ultimately made me a mother, something I never take for granted, and therefore, changed my life more than I could ever have believed.

Lets go back...

Let me take you back, to a girl you wouldn't recognise as me, Meghan O'Neill, or "MegHan" as I was more commonly known as back then, *rolls eyes*.

On social media, I always came across strong and vibrant. I was always speaking on controversial topics and I was never scared to say what I felt or believed, but far from who I was portraying to be on social media, couldn't have been further from the truth. In fact, I not only let on to everyone on social media, but to my friends and further extended family members too.

You see, I was in a terrible relationship. One that was off more than it was on. When we decide who we are going to "partner up with", we don't realise what this actually means. We don't only just add an extra person on for dinner, oh-no! We try to impress them, we want them to love us, and if you were as vulnerable as me, you pathetically start to lose yourself in the hope that this person will realise all your efforts and sacrifices and somehow love you how you love them.
Now I'm not saying he didn't love me, it was quite the opposite actually, we were "infatuated" by each other, couldn't get enough of each other and dearly wanted to be together.

The wrong relationship

But we were just all wrong for each other, at two different life stages. I was only 19 when I met him, very young and even though I was quite "mature" for my age, I had a lot of growing up to do! I also hadn't realised who I was, what my emotions meant or how to deal with life. I wasn't comfortable yet in who I was and I had a massive amount of emotional growth that I still had to go through. It's actually only now, at 27, (8 years later), that I realise who I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to act, what my beliefs are and what I will and won't accept. It's only now, due to having my daughter, that I realise and see my full potential as a woman, and an extremely strong and powerful one at that.

I am the strongest I have ever been. I look back at that young girl and think to myself, I wish I could tell my 19 year old self so many truths about life that I had not one clue about. It makes me laugh, I thought I was so mature at 19, being in love with an older boy made me feel even more established in my right to believe I had life "sorted", ha! How wrong was I :)

I'm not going to delve into my past relationship, simply because I still don't know which way to go about it or what way to talk about it, not because it hurts me, as it doesn't. But more so, how to not make anyone else uncomfortable reading it. Everyone has different opinions on things, but for now, I won't go into it, someday I will, but today is not that day.

4 years ago...

4 years ago I was heavily pregnant, already having gone into premature labour due to stress, I was now full-term and expecting my baby, who I had already fallen deeply in love with. The 4th September I gave birth to my girl, who was absolutely beautiful and totally healthy. We went home the next day.

I knew her life in the beginning wasn't going to be easy, due to many different factors. Mainly due to my partner not being her biological dad, so after 6 weeks we broke up. My newborn was 6 weeks old and we parted ways. It was at this point I realised how strong the birth of my girl had made me.
I'd had a conversation with a friend previous to the birth and she said "I know you love ____, but you are going to love this baby even more", and I remember thinking to myself, "but how can I love anyone more than I love this man?", another "lol" moment when I look back, as the love for your children doesn't come close to ANY other type of love, how naïve I was, how beautifully innocent I was to the true, unconditional love you have for a child. It makes me smile now.

The unconditional love of a child

Already after 6 weeks, I loved this child more than anything the universe would put in my way, even someone I thought I "truly" loved. So this is why, she changed my life. Not only did she show me true love, but she shaped the path on what standards I would allow for myself (and ultimately her) to be treated. I knew I could stay where I was and put up with the bullsh*t I was already dealing with, or I could choose a new path and show my daughter her worth as a woman when she grew up, I chose the latter.

Like all relationships, there were many comings and goings after this, talks of "could we make it work", but it was never to be. I walked away and never looked back, or rather, he left.

One of the last things he said to my face was "you can be anything you want to be, I believe in you." and with tears in his eyes, he turned and walked away. I will never forget it, it meant a lot to me. But it was also very confusing. For 4 years I had listened to this man tell me I would "be nothing", and here he was, telling me I could be "what I wanted"? It didn't make sense. It's only now, 4 years later that I understand.

Overcoming the "you will be nothing" statement.

"It's not our weaknesses that scare us, but our strengths". I had been told for a long time that I would "be nothing", that I was a "nobody", that I would "amount to nothing". It has taken 4 long, hard years for me to overcome those messages. It hasn't been easy and I'm definitely not the same person I was, I am much stronger.

Those messages played profoundly in my head for so long, I truly believed them. But with my daughter being born, I started to see how strong I was and how I was none of the nasty and cruel things that were said to me. Day by day, night by night, I changed. I started to notice changes in me, changes I didn't think possible. Small things at first, and now here I am, writing again about the things that pained me for so long. No longer worried about anyone else's ideas or opinions on what I have to say, as this is MY story.

I lived in a world that was forever in self-doubt. I never shared my opinions and I didn't speak up. I CANNOT BELIEVE how I let myself be treated, how I let someone else's opinion of me really wreck my self-esteem. When I look back now, I don't even recognise that person. The smallest little things, they make me so sad to think back on.

I realised my worth...

And now, the person I have become, the woman I am growing into. I've come to realise my worth, my self-esteem, my pride and my confidence. The woman I was 4 years ago wouldn't have believed these changes possible. Who I am now, she isn't stopping. I set goals for myself, I have high standards and I just downright will not allow anyone into my circle who isn't on the same wavelength or page as me. I don't listen to negativity and I have no room for it in my life anymore. I now realise more than ever, that my opinions are valid and not only that, that they can be the voice for many other people too.

Once you realise your own worth, you will never back down again. Opinions of others do not matter anymore, you feel free. Free of judgement, free of negative opinions and free of being trapped by what others may or may not say. It's a sad world to live in, constantly fearing another's voice or what they may say. When you finally get your "wings" so to speak, you no longer rely on anyone else's opinions or happiness to create your own. You ARE your own author, you ARE your own hero, and you ARE your children's hero (if you have them).

People know what they are doing...

It hasn't been easy, but I've got here, and I'm not stopping now. It's been 4 years of hard graft, but the blood sweat and tears have all been very much worth it. Lessons learned, and if you take anything from this blog, please take this: do NOT let anyone else's words or negative opinions on you shape who you are, I've been there and it's a nasty, lonely place. If someone wants to treat you negatively, that's a self-representation of who they are. NOT you! Leave a relationship without a second glance, leave a friendship without ever picking it up again, remove yourself from the toxic environment with family if you have to. People know what they are doing, and 9 times out of 10, they won't change. Stop making excuses, put yourself first, you are very much worth it and your older self will sincerely thank you, just like I am.

Take Care,
Meghan.